Wildly entertaining, yet massively underappreciated; John Carpenter’s Big Trouble in Little China was the quintessential 80’s pop-culture movie.
Please hear me out. Big Trouble was flawlessly choreographed, B-movie level cinema. It displayed perfectly executed tongue-in-cheek humor, bad-ass kung fu, crazy cool sorcery and monsters, and let’s not forget the romantic undertone. It was pretty much everything you could ask for in a feature-length film, and it is still relevant today. Okay maybe not, however, it did have bad guys that could shoot lightening bolts out of their fingers and that’s just freaking awesome.
On a more serious note, everything I know about parenthood, I learned from Jack Burton.
The guy was arrogant, sure, but it was an unabashed swagger beyond our comprehension. He also had heart and unlikely bravery to match. In the face of certain doom, our hero prevailed through personal responsibility and a steadfast campaign to recover his baby…err…his Porkchop Express.
You may not have realized it, but Kurt Russell’s Burton, was chock full of valuable parenting advice. I want to share with you these tiny morsels of wisdom.
In this inaugural entry of “Everything I know about Parenting, I learned from…,” I break down the quotes of cinema’s biggest icons and share the lessons learned. Disclaimer: some of the events are exaggerated for parody, but you get the picture. View the trailer.
- Jack Burton:
- “Just remember what ol’ Jack Burton does when the earth quakes, and the poison arrows fall from the sky, and the pillars of Heaven shake. Yeah, Jack Burton just looks that big ol’ storm right square in the eye and he says, ‘Give me your best shot, pal. I can take it.'”
Being a modern parent is tough business. The world has evolved into an unforgiving landscape of social expectations, expensive tuitions and a dwindling job market. So, from diaper to college graduation, it is my solemn duty to raise a responsible, self-confident and loving human being. It’s going to be tough, but I can do this!
- Jack Burton:
- “All I know is, this Lo Pan character comes out of thin air in the middle of a goddamn alley while his buddies are flying around on wires cutting everybody to shreds, and he just stands there waiting for me to drive my truck straight through him with *light* coming out of his mouth!”
I have two boys. Those tiny criminals can level a house in the time it takes to prepare a bowl of cereal. If you’re a parent, more than likely you’ve heard the sound of 43,000 Lego’s exploding out onto the living room floor. People make jokes, but those little plastic bricks might as well be razor blades. Here’s a word of advice: don’t underestimate your foe and do not charge into battle without understanding the landscape.
- Jack Burton:
- “Feel pretty good. I’m not, uh, I’m not scared at all. I just feel kind of… feel kind of invincible.”
- Wang Chi:
- “Me, too. I got a very positive attitude about this.”
- Jack Burton:
- “Good, me too.”
- Wang Chi:
- “Yeah!”
- [pause]
- Jack Burton:
- “Is it getting hot in here, or is it just me?”
I used to tell people, the word “Parent” is a verb. Kids require the upmost attention and care, something I didn’t have patience for when I was twenty-something. Of course, eventually I matured and our first born came into our lives. He changed everything. I checked my ego at the door and let nerves run their course. What I’ve learned is: there is no better verb.
- Jack Burton:
- “I don’t get this at all. I thought Lo Pan…”
- Lo Pan:
- “Shut up, Mr. Burton! You are not brought upon this world to get it!”
I listen to my kids, I listen hard. But just when I think I have them all figured out, they have a way of smacking me back into reality. Those beautiful little rascals are prodigiously indecisive creatures. Their personalities are constantly evolving, as well as their wants and needs. Observe them, listen to them, but assume you know nothing.
